Look, no matter how hard your weird uncle tries to bait you into fighting over politics…you must resist. This election has been wrought with anger and insane candidates and there is no calm and rational way to discuss any of it. Keep Joe, Donald, and Kanye out of it because the last thing your grandma needs to see is your aunt weeping into a plate of mashed potatoes and gravy.
BODY RELATED ANYTHING
Nothing has spoiled a nice family get together quite like a jab at someone’s appearance. It can be hard knowing what’s off limits so we’ve compiled a handy little list for ya!
DO NOT we repeat DO NOT bring up the following:
Weight gain/loss of any kind.
Weird facial piercings.
Questionable fashion choices.
The terrible back tattoo your little sister got during spring break in Panama City Beach.
The terrible neck tattoo your cousin got during spring break in Panama City Beach.
The terrible tribal tattoo your mom’s boyfriend got in 1992…during spring break in Panama City Beach.
You know what, just avoid bringing Panama City Beach into any conversation for the remainder of your natural life.
We’ve all got the one family member who is always lurking around trying to get us to invest in the latest and greatest sure thing. Skinny tea, waist trainers, see through leggings…they’ve all made their way to our dinner table at one time or another but for the sake of Thanksgiving…please shut up about it. If we catch you trying to convince your grandpa that lavender oil will “literally change everything” for him we will revoke your pie privileges.
Cooking Thanksgiving dinner is truly a labor of love. The amount of time and effort it takes to properly cook that many components is astronomical so keep your picky eater complaints to yourself. Pretend to eat from your plate, compliment the chef, and order a pizza when you get home. It’s common decency people!
As far as conversation topics go…dating is OFF THE TABLE! Do not ask anyone about how things are going with “that one guy they were seeing” unless you want the whole dinner to devolve into a mutiny. Your niece will cry, your mom will demand grandchildren, and if you happen to have brought a new boyfriend with you…you’ll be single before the night is through. Your safest bet is to treat everyone as an unwed clergy member who has zero interest in romance what-so-ever.
So, in conclusion…please, please, please…follow the rules we’ve laid out above. This year has been difficult enough and we all just want to eat a nice Thanksgiving meal in peace, thank you very much.